I consider myself to be a reasonably educated fellow. I’m currently progressing through my nineteenth year of formal education, and while I’m not an Einstein, I hold desperately to the hope that I’m not a Bubba, either. O the deluded dreams to which we cling! Day after day, I find myself increasingly embarassed by my use of English vernacular. That’s educated-speak for REDNECK. Perhaps it’s the good old boys (who quite often are stand-up guys, by the way) that seem to be in abundance in a few of my classes, or perhaps it is constantly trying to speak on the level of elementary school students. Either way, my speech is atrocious.
Now I know this seems petty and a bit above my breedin’ (see–my case in point), but it’s frightening. No less than three times today did I use the phrase, “What choo got?” The very moment that monstrosity leapt from my lips, I recoiled in horror. I have even fallen so far as to utter the words, “I got me…” All of the “ing” suffixes on my verbs have disappeared into linguistic purgatory, never to be seen again. In their place is the syntactical antichrist himself, the exclusive use of “in’.” Fishin’. Talkin’. Bloggin’. Edumacatin’. O my perplexed readers, it’s beyond quaint Southern drawl. There is no sophisticated regional charm flowing forth from these lips. Only ignorance. Sheer idiocy. Nineteen years of hard work have been forsaken. Teachers, alas, for thou work hast been wrought in vain!
I must escape. I am unwilling to resign myself to a lifetime of moronic speech that dishonors my family, my church, and Mr. Webster (the dictionary man) himself. Their labor in training me shall not be in vain! If you speak with me in the near future and get the impression that you are speaking to a wooden, grammatical prude, know this: It is for your good and mine. This life shall not be a testimony to the demise of the written and spoken word in Western civilization! Excellence shall not be sacrificed upon the altar of pop culture! May beauty flow forth from these lips as a genuine effort to glorify the Creator of all that is beautiful. Prose. Poetry. Music. Art. It all glorifies Him, so let us do it well!
Well, what began as a rant has quickly become an exhoration and possibly a sermonette. Be blessed, readers, and learn from the tribulation of this ignorant man as he clings to hope.
I was recently busted for my use of the following: “a whole ‘nother” and “fixin’ to”…I have also reevaluated my grammar and have come to the conclusion that variety is the spice of life.