The damage is done. The massacre is complete. All that is left is a torn and mutilated turkey carcass, and I have emerged as the victor.
Oh yes, Thanksgiving is over for this year. Here’s a recap of my day:
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6:30am- Wake up and prepare for the day. I must be fully awake and alert to inflict maximum damage.
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7:00am- Homework. If you are going to be obese, you must be intelligent to compensate.
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9:30am- Load up in the car for a tour of the tornado damage. This is the only serious part of this post. It was horrible. Complete devastation which television can not do justice.
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10:00am- Arrive on site at the Official Eating Center. The marathon begins.
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10:30am- Family pleasantries completed, time to get to work. First course: the famous Thanksgiving cheeseball. Cream cheese with crushed pinapple, coated in almonds. Heaven.
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12:00pm- The Main Event. On the menu: Turkey, stuffing (alas, no cornbread dressing), rolls, green beans, mashed potatoes with gravy, olives (both green and ripe). I had two helpings of each. When completely stuffed, made room for chocolate pecan pie. Sensed the presence of my meal piled up in my esophagus, tickling the back of my throat.
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1:00pm- Passed out on the couch due to massive tryptophan overdose.
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2:00pm- Revived from gluttony-induced coma; summoned to partake in annual football game out in the backyard.
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2:15pm- Sucking wind. Dropped three passes. Humbled when I was scored on by a girl, whom I was assigned to cover. (In my defense, she is a college track athlete!)
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3:00pm- Called the parents in Alabama and arranged the logistics for another binge-fest in a month.
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5:00pm- Round Two. Same menu as before, two more helpings of all consumed. Total: 4 helpings.
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6:00pm-9:00pm- Games with family. Mocked by Janel’s cousins concerning my inability to count. Ate M&M’s. Injured small dog while wrestling for the last spoon during a friendly game of Spoons. Departed from battlefield for the evening.
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10:30- Retired to bed as I must conserve my energy for Round Three on the morrow.
